Seriously, what goes ON in that kid's head?

Sterling and I have a joke that, if you could see inside of James' head..actually SEE the thoughts as they streak through the void, they would look like meteors.  Coming from all different directions, totally random, sometimes colliding, sometimes not.  Seriously, it's like having a conversation with a beagle with a million squirrels running around.

Anyhoo, in addition to the complete randomness of his thoughts, they're pretty darned funny, too.  Here's some recent funny stuff..

While have a conversation about something the other day, I added "hashtag " (I can't remember the topic), and James chimed in with "hashtag lollers!".  What?  Where did he pick THAT up?  So now everything is hashtagged or lollers.  I'd be remiss if I left out the fact that, he shared that the first time he heard that, he thought it was "wol" for waddle of laughs... WHAT?  lol!

Another thing he says alot (although he denies and it makes it a point NOT to say this if you call him on it!) is "er".  You can do that ER you can do this.  It's so freakin' cute that we don't even try to correct it anymore.

Finally, today, while on the phone with Honey, he was explaining how lightening bugs work.  They have "atoms in their butts" that make them glow, and it's how they say "hello", "hello" to each other.

Like a 24 hour comedy show...

The Runaway Bunny

I suppose it's inevitable - sooner or later, every child threatens to run away from home.  I swear the more calm and composed I am, the worse things typically go!  James and I have started reading "The Lightening Thief" (thanks, Smiths!), and so far it's very good!  *I* was excited about reading another chapter tonight before bed, but somebody poked around and used up all of his potential story time with a very slow shower, dawdling after the shower, brushing everything except his teeth.. you know, the usual pre-bedtime ritual.
I let him know that his chance was gone, and it was time for bed.  Mr. Man did not like that one bit.  I don't even remember was else he grumbled about, but I refused to get upset and was very matter-of-fact about the whole thing.  Maybe that's why he decided to test me.
His Highness finally said, "well maybe I should just leave", to which I replied, "you might want a bag".  He dragged his chair over to his closet, pulled down his duffel bag, and started opening drawers.  I asked, "do you need me to bring you somewhere?", and he just started stuffing underwear and socks into his bag.  At this point, I was about to start giggling, so I had to walk away.  I wasn't out of his room for 30 seconds before I heard the sniffles.  I walked back in to find him balled up in the corner between his dresser and the wall.
After about a good 10 mins of boogies and tears, he finally settled down.  I had to make sure he knew that I wasn't really going to let him leave.  He eventually apologized for saying he wanted to, and all was well again!
Sadly, he has now committed to never leave home, remain an "only" (ie: single), and live with us forever.  That's what happens when you try to teach lessons.

Sports Illiterate

For someone who loves to *play* sports, my child is NOT the most sports-savvy.  I'm not sure he could even tell you how many quarters are in a football game (even though the word "quarter" kinda gives it away!) if a hot fudge sundae was on the line!
So it was no surprise to me, when we popped over to the driving range today, that James gushed, "wow, I can't wait to make some goals!".  It was even funnier when he asked me, "where do we get our golf sticks?".  But then, like always, he pulled one out of thin air while selecting his "stick" and said, "oh, there's a driver.".  What the what?
Of course I had to ask how the heck he knew what a driver was.  "The Wiii.".  Natch.

Oh yes, and also.. now he is 9.  1 year away from double digits.  I feel like he picked up that extra year overnight.  He even told me that he'll still call me "mommy" around the house, but in front of his friends, I am now "mom".

Digging his way out of a hole...

I wish I could remember how the conversation started.  We were out driving, and for some reason, James made the comment ,"girls don't do that much".  Mind you, he's normally very good about
recognizing that women are smart, strong, capable, etc. (he must have a good example around).  So, although this was pretty atypical for him, it nevertheless hit a nerve with me, and I'm sure you can guess what my reaction was... "What?!??!?!"
Sterling threw another log on the fire by adding, "what do they do, James, just sit around and look pretty?".  Thinking this must be the right answer, James quickly confirmed that yes, that's what we do.
I said, "look, James, I work 50 hours a weeky AND I get you off to school every day AND I do your laundry every week AND find time to straighten up your room and bathroom AND get in a workout AND lots of other stuff around the house...and you think girls don't do much?!".  His response?  "Wow, that's a lot of 'ands'.  Ok, but like 8 and 9 year old girls, they don't do much, right?".
"Are you kidding me?".
"Mommy, you... look, like, 20 years old."  (Digging ourselves out now)
"I know you're really like f......  Um, nothing.  You look 20". (Dig nearly aborted, but saved in the nick of time).
Changed the subject AND threw in a compliment AS the subject change.  Well-played.  Surprised he had time to think that one up, what with having to pick up my slack around the house.

Dictionary.mom

Yesterday I worked on-site, and it was a long day.  Ok, it's been a long week, but that's not completely the point.  The point is, that after I worked a long day and came home, I was greeted in the driveway by James, rushing to show me something on his iPod.  I was eventually able to walk in the door, and he wanted to show me something else.  On my way upstairs, he tried to get there first (just like the dogs) and nearly tripped me going up the stairs.  THEN, right as I dropped some stuff on the bed and took one step out into the hallway, he nearly mowed me down, running from one end of the hall to the other.  He immediately braked, turned around, and started to tell me something when I stopped him.
"James, do you know what 'decompress' means?"
"It means 'leave you alone'?"

I guess, given the right context, you can guess definitions pretty well, even if you've never heard the word before!

(I did explain what it *really* meant, that I just needed a few mins to get settled... and not break my neck on the stairs)

Year-end Dryer Tally, 2012

Silly Mayans!  No end of the world, so I guess I'll go ahead and do this year's Dryer Tally.  The theme for 2012 was "Stuff I Forgot to Finish Eating".  This year, there was strong representation from food wrappers, and yes, even some actual food.
The end result:

• 1 wrapper from God-knows-what
• 1 very washed yogurt-covered raisins box, and yes, wait for it... yogurt-covered raisins - approx 9 (I dropped one after the official count, and Merle confirmed that they are still eat-worthy)
• 1 Cheese Stick wrapper (light)
• 1 Tootsie Roll wrapped, bisected
• 1 Slim Jim wrapper
• 1 Hershey's Kiss (which James has BEGGED me to let him eat all year - ew!)
• 1 Hot Wheels sticker
• 2 pieces of green paper from who knows what
• 1 Ticket
• 1 bottlecap
• 1 button
• 2 Legos
• 2 pencil erasers... just the erasers
• 2 plastic shards - shivs, maybe?  Has the playground gotten rougher and we're just not hearing about it?
• 1 screw
• 1 pair of yogurt-squeezing teeth (swear to God, you slip these over your squeezable yogurt tube and use it to squeeze out your yogurt)
• Various other bits of detritus and debris - string, leaf bits, etc.

So there you have it.  Another year comes to a close.  Sorry I'm late posting, I know that GC looks forward to reading this each year!  ;-)

What will the new year bring?  Live animals?  Who knows, stay tuned!

More stuff my kid says

That boy.  There are things an 8-year old says that you cannot make up!  This week's examples include:

When asked to take a shower:
"Mommmeeee.... I just tooken one (yes, "tooken") yesterday!  I don't even SMELL!"

Today, on the topic of God (working on his God and Me badge for Cub Scouts)
"Mommy, how does God even see everybody on earth at the SAME TIME?!  Does he have, like, 10 heads or something?  Did someone science him extra heads?"
Sterling: "James... I... have no response for that."
Mommy: "That's a good question."

Upon asking him what he learned at the Blacks' house (where he worked on this some with his buddy and his family), he replied, "God rested on March 7th.  or.... Jan 7th?  On the 7th he rested".  What the..??  Sterling figured it out.. "on the 7th day, he rested".  Ya know, or in a few months.

Sacrifices

Ugh.  We came home last night to discover that Newkie had left us another gift on the front doorstep.  Another dead vole.  Granted, those little buggers tear up the yard and garden, so I can't say I'm too upset to see them go, but yuck.
Also, Newkie has been SUPER needy lately.  Not sure what gives, might just be that we're too damned busy to bother with him!  Anyhoo, it would see that he is trying to curry favor through his .. "offerings".
James was pretty grossed out.  I said, "honey, I know it's gross, but that's how Newkie shows us he loves us.  It's like giving us a treat or a gift".  James summed it up best when he replied, "why can't he just give us something nice like cupcakes?".
Cupcakes or dead vole.. what would you choose?

Lucky mom

Oy!  What a busy few months.  In addition to our current medical drama, I started a new job right around the same time, and then there was soccer season, and Cub Scouts.. oh my!

There have been a lot of days lately when I've been ready to tear my hair out.  I had 15 minutes today, in between a fire drill at work and a conference call, when I had to FLY over to school to grab James and get back home.  I was not the nicest mommy. 

I just asked him for a hug, and sweet pea that he is, of course he obliged.  I apologized for the way I acted early, got a kiss, and a, "that's ok!".  I said, "how can you be so sweet?!".  His response?  "mommy, you're the one who made me!".  One in a million.

K-I-N-G-E-S-T

We were driving down the road yesterday, and as is his wont, James was babbling about pretty much whatever thought meteors were streaking through his brain at that particular moment.  He spotted a big crow, and said something about the crow before launching into, "James and the crow, sittin' in a tree... ", at which point Sterling and I looked at each other with a "wtf?" look on our faces.  James continued, "K-I-N-G-E-S-T", and then started to go on about something else.
Not wanting to inadvertantly share too much, but wanting to know more, I asked, "James, what comes next?  Is that the whole song?".  He said, "oh, that's it, you can say whatever you want in there, like 'apples and bananas', or 'sewer pipes and sidewalks, sittin' in a tree'.  It's just a funny song". 
It sure is the way HE sings it!

The best support crew ever!

I know I said no more running stuff here, but technically this is about a triathlon, so that's different!  I did my first tri this past weekend, and not only was it amazing, but it had the best. finish. ever.
... because I had the best.  support.  crew.  ever.

Karey and Dave were happily in town this weekend, and while the menfolk were drinking their faces off, we took the kids over to Jamye's and it was just like old times!  Hanging out, wrangling rugrats, and having a good time!  Jamye got the brilliant idea to whip out poster board and markers (because who doesn't have these just lying around the house?!) to get the kids to make signs for me, for my race.  And not ordinary signs, these were FESTIVE!  She referred to one of them as "the Partridge Family sign".

JamyeD couldn't make the race, but the Lamancusas and Woodruffs staked out a corner about 50 yards from the finish line and owned that corner!  I saw the signs before I saw them, but once I did, my face lit up, and I felt a spurt of energy that kept me going all the way to the finish line!  My friend Sarah also made it out before the race even started, and gave me continuous thumbs up while I shivered in line waiting for my turn in the pool.  I couldn't ask for a better family or better friends, which made my first tri the best one I'll probably ever have!

Is this soup organic?

Tonight, for my darling hub's bday, we offered him a dinner at burger mecca, Five Guys.  Having eaten a late lunch (the best-laid plans, laid to waste...) we opted for Jason's instead.
James ordered the hot dog, Sterling got a soup and sandwich, and James got to eyeballing Daddy's soup.  "Why didn't *I* get soup?" he asked.  Sterling sensibly replied, "because you ordered a hot dog... and they don't give you soup when you ask for a hot dog".  We told him that he could have a soup, too, if he finished his hot dog.  ... and it was on like Donkey Kong.  It felt like we were at a hot dog-eating contest, that boy ate that thing so quick!
Sooo... we go up to order him a soup, and it's an automated kiosk, so you have to go through the menu and pick the size, the type, etc.  We were taking too long and let a lady go in front of us, so while we were off to the side, we discussed the options.
"What did Daddy have?"
"Broccoli Cheese.. is that what you want?"
"No, I want something different"
"Like what?"
"I want the organic soup"
"Which one?"
"The organic one."
"James, organic is a type of soup, but it's not a flavor.  What flavor do you want?"
"Organic vegetable soup"
"Are you sure?  Vegetable soup?"
"Organic vegetable soup!"
"James, that's just soup with vegetables in it.. are you sure that's what you want?"
"Oh... no.  I want broccoli cheese, like Daddy had"
and that is what we ordered.  and he ate it all.

Lessons learned the hard way

When Spring rolls around, and the pollen count has dropped considerably, we like to hang out on the back deck, and sometimes we'll open the doors.  That means flies.  A few years ago, we were given a bug zapper that basically looks like a tennis racquet, but with button on the handle that lets you charge it up and zap bugs.  Pretty effectively.
James found out recently that it's also pretty good at zapping children.  It was hanging off the towel bar in our bathroom, and Lord knows why, James likes to hang around right outside of the bathroom door when I am in there.  Ok, I actually know why, it's because he is smitten with Blue, who follows me around closer than my shadow.  So Blue sits outside the door, and James is right there fawning all over him and basically driving him (and me) bananas.
So, I'm sitting in the only room where I *should* be able find peace, when I hear *zap* "OUCH!".  This was followed by, "I learned my lesson... wow, I didn't know that would ZAP me".  I said, "James, it's CALLED a bug ZAPper.. what did you think it did?".  So smart, and yet....

Where babies come from

Today, while James and I were driving around doing some errands, he asked me, "where did I come from?  how did I get here?".  Naturally, I just told him... leaving out a few of the more graphic details.  I explained that there was a seed, and an egg, and that I had different insides, and where the baby comes out, how long it takes to grow.. some pretty basic stuff.  And that was it.
Until this evening, when he asked, out of the blue, "is Daddy going to give you another seed so that you can have another baby?".  "Uh, no, we are quite happy with just one".  "Oh.  What if you had a hundred babies?!" (and of course he's giggling a little at this point, because even he knows that this is ridiculous).  I said, "then I would run a lot more, and I might not come back", to which he replied, almost seriously, "you would leave us??!  Don't you love us??!". 
Who's this "us", and why are you so indignant on behalf of these imaginary siblings?  I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop, when he gets around to asking, "how did the seed get in there?". 

Playing for the same team...

Yes, it's been a while since I posted, and now that we got that out of the way, let's move on!

James is still enjoying those imaginary figures we know as Santa, The Tooth Fairy, and The Easter Bunny. Truth be told, there are some stinkers in school who've chatted about the fact that they're not real, and I think James suspects, but as Jamye so aptly put it when Connor went through the same thing..."I think he has some questions, but has decided that he *wants* to believe".

Sooo... he's been pretty pumped up about Easter. He basically equates it with Christmas in the Spring, just on a smaller scale! Saturday evening rolled around, and we reminded him that he'd better go right to sleep tonight. Just like the Tooth Fairy and Santa, the Easter Bunny won't come until you're asleep. He perked up and asked, "they're on the same team?".

I guess they are, at that. And they all have a tendency to nearly fall asleep watching TV the evening of the Big Night, and have to scramble, half-asleep, to get things squared away before they get to go to bed themselves. You'd think the coach would teach them better.

You want us to do WHAT?!?!

Pack 11's Wolf Cubs descended on the Woodruff household tonight to learn about tools. Sterling turned the garage into a lecture hall / workshop, and did a TON of work preparing birdhouse kits for the boys to put together. Prior to the nonstop hammering, there was a brief overview of each tool, and they all got a chance to practice hammering, screwing, etc, into some scrap wood.

They wrapped up a little after 8 and most boys headed home. Sterling and James' Dad/Son friend combo, Fred and Andrew, stuck around for a few more minutes to finish up a task or two and chat about how it went.

Naturally, neither boy could just help clean up, or hang out quietly, they were playing with balls, or Beyblades, or just yelling their fool heads off the whole time. Fred said, "do you guys HAVE to play with those things?". When James went to grab a ball again, I gave him the stinkeye, and he said, "what CAN we do?"

I said, "can't you guys just talk? Just hang out and say, "hey, didn't you like scouts tonight?", "do you like how your birdhouse came out?", "which tool was your favorite?". Ya know, just talk"

Andrew looked at my like I'd swallowed a live rat in front of him, and said incredulously, "That's GIRL stuff!!!". I said, "what, talking?". Again, he looked at me like I'd grown a third eye and said, "YEAH! Talking is for GIRLS."

It's rare that I am speechless, but this was pretty much one of those times.

Derby Time!

That's right, it's Pinewood Derby time! That special time of year when fathers carve cars out of a block of wood for their sons to sand and paint, and hope that they roll straight! The hard work paid off this year, although James' car was a little out of alignment, and thus not speedy, it did look pretty doggone cool and won Best Craftsmanship. That came with a fat trophy, so the boy was pretty tickled. Pics posted in the photo album (click on the link to the right).

My little radar detector

Yesterday was one of those days when we just started off late. We've all been just pooped lately, and James, stinker that he is, has an AWFUL tendency to either play with his toys after he's gone to bed, or sneak a book and flashlight under his covers and read. This typically goes on from his actual bed time of about 8:30, until we go to bed at around 10:00 and catch him. So he's always a bear to wake up in the morning.

Yesterday was no different! After a little prodding, however, we actually had a GREAT morning (thank goodness). He finished up some homework we hadn't completed the night before*, grabbed breakfast, he got himself dressed without getting distracted by the afore-mentioned toys / books (that happens a lot, too), and we got all packed up and headed out the door at 9:10am.

School starts at 9:15. Thank GOD we live right around the corner. So I'm zipping on down the street, and James reports, "Mommy, the speed limit is 45, you are going 50. Wait, now the speed limit says 35". Busted. "You're right, James, I was, thanks for letting me know.. I'm slowing down now". Of course, when we turn the next corner onto the road that his school is on, it drops to 25.. and he let me know about that, too. Granted, I don't typically speed to school, but we also don't normally have 5 total minutes to get there. I crawled down to road, and dropped him off at like 9:12, and told him to hustle. Then I laid rubber and took the corner on 2 wheels! I kid!

So nice to know that if I ever do get pulled over, he'll be able to tell the officer exactly what speed I was going.

*the reason we were so sleepy yesterday is because... we joined the Y! Sterling is WORKING OUT with me twice a week now, and Tuesday was our first night. zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Don't hate the player...

James got a laptop for Christmas, and LOVES it!! He especially loves to play games on it (of course), which often involves completely tuning out his parents (we like to call it "teenager training").
He was playing a Star Wars game the other day, and I was trying to speak to him, and I finally had enough. I just closed the laptop, and when he began to protest, I said, "James, it is just a game". His response? "Yes, Mommy, you're supposed to try to WIN games!".
Touche

Days go by...

This morning, James asked me, "mommy, what's today?". "Thanksgiving", I replied. "No, I mean what DAY?". I said, "Oh, it's the 24th?". "Mommy...nooooooo. I mean WHAT DAY???". "Geez, James, Thursday?". "Yes! Ok, good, (little bit of math obviously going on in the head, with the assistance of some figers), I have three more days until school".
I said, "Oh, are you excited about going back to school on Monday?". "No", he said, "I'm excited because I have three more days of NO school!".
Ok then.